he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
