Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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