Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
