New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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