you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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