Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
