Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
