Your dad touched me again.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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