Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
