This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
we're making bets on your personal life
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Randomize
