she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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