I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
