I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
