Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
