I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
