You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
