He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
