omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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