I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
