in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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