You can't motorboat a personality
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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