Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
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