you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
