Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
