That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
