so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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