Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
