I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I stole a fireplace last night.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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