I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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