3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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