i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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