He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
