When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
