You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
