so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
