Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
