Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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