Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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