I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
This is my gift to your gina
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
