Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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