I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
