Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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