When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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