So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
