onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
