It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
