I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
