I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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