I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
