I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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