I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
